Today marks the one year anniversary of CW and I loosing our baby girl! As some of our friends knew and some didn't, I pray that this is more of a testimony than hurting anyone in not telling them. This week, leading up to this day has been quite an anxious feeling for me. I look back on last year and all that my family and I have been through. You could say that this year was a rough one for numerous reasons but let me fill you in by talking about our little one. Last year Traycen started talking about his baby sister. He would ask us when his baby sister was coming and that he was so excited. I never really thought much of it until CW and I knew that he probably knew more than we did. I feel like our kids know so much more than us because they are so pure and know nothing but Jesus and what the Holy Spirit is telling them. They are so sensitive to the voice of the Lord and it just amazes me. Anyways, December 5 of last year we miscarried. The pain and emotion that overcame me was horrible in so many ways. I was scared and hurt. I felt rejected from doctors, myself, family and friends. Although the number one person that was rejecting me, was me! I have come to realize that one of my weaknesses at that point was feeling like I was a failure. I took this on as a failure within myself. I withdrew myself from my family and my friends leading me into the darkness that the enemy was wanting me in. I look back and think how horrible I was to my husband and how much I hurt him by pushing him away. By the grace of God and my husband, I was still loved through it all. God was wanting me to run to Him, to sit in His lap and just be comforted by Him, instead I withdrew from him. I can't explain why I did this, but I know it wasn't good. I remember after the fact of loosing the baby, Traycen kept asking me, "when is my sister going to come mommy?" I would get so irritated with him and hurt by that, and that was wrong. I know that he needed to know what was going on. But, how do you tell a four year old that his baby sister is gone? We felt like he needed to know because he kept asking about her. With the help of family and friends we decided to take some time for ourselves and get closure with loosing the baby. We decided to get balloons and let them go up to heaven to try and help Traycen understand. We stood out on the driveway one afternoon and took the balloons and let them go to heaven for our baby girl. Traycen stood there and told CW and I that he was sad for his sister and that he missed her so much!
Since then, Traycen continues to talk about her. It always had hurt me so much when he would talk about her because I didn't know how to deal with it. It's like the more you talked about her the more it hurt because it made it that much more real. But, then if you didn't talk about her it felt like she was just ignored and not cared about. With the help of a friend telling me that I needed to start talking about her and making her known, I did. I still have a hard time talking about her. It's kind of a weird feeling talking about someone you knew but never actually got to see. It's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced that, the feeling that you have and how much your mind can mess with you. Personally, my mind would always mess with me a lot and still tries to if I think too much on it. I have to take every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ and stand on the truths and promises that He has for me.
Needless to say, God continues to bring me through this, healing me everyday. I don't know that I can say I am fully healed because this is something that we will always remember and celebrate. God's love has never failed us through this time and His love continues to shine through the darkest of our days. This week I had a friend call me, not knowing this was the week of when we lost the baby. She felt like she was suppose to tell me some things. One being an example of what she deals with working where she does. She is a nurse and where she works she experiences life, death and healing. She begins to tell me about what she experiences there at work. What ministered to me was that death is bittersweet. To the people here on earth it is sad, heartbreaking and you grieve. But death also is a celebration. Death is like a birthday. Death is actually a birth into the arms of Jesus. When I heard this I felt so much peace. Not having the understanding of why we lost our baby and being hurt from it, this made sense to me. I had the peace that I can now not focus on the death of our baby, but the birth of our baby into the arms of Jesus. That couldn't have been more appropriate for this week as I had been struggling with what to do with today. I am so thankful to have people in our life that stand next to us, support us and love us through everything. I am amazed at the love that God has for me even when I've tried to push Him and everything else away. He stands there with His hands wide open saying "just come sit with me!" Wow!
I pray in the name of Jesus that this brings encouragement to you whether you have dealt directly with something like this or not. God's love never fails us! He is always there waiting for us to jump into His arms and to love on us. I pray for myself and others to not sit and question and blame God, but to lean on Him more and to seek Him in all things. I pray that we would open up our hearts and open our ears to what He has to tell us and that we would be able to listen to the voice of our Daddy saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you!"
Till next time, XOXO Cooped Up Cowboys Wife Kirste